It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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