Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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