I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
