I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Randomize
