like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
