Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You are the jesus of drinking
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
