Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize