No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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