NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
