Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
