now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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