my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
