shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
