I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
