I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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