I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
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I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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