I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
