I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
