i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Found the puke drawer
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
