see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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