Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
