I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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