We're facebook friends in real life
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
