I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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