There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
