Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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