People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
