Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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