Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
