I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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