I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
