i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
