just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
