i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Can I color on your dick again?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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