i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
