Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
