Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
