Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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