No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
