Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
