He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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