Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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