In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.