Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
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I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
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The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to