I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again