Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
They took my balls.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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