Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Drunk is not a location!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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