Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Randomize
