soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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