Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
