Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
