Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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