So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
