God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
