Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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