What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Every concussion has its silver lining
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
