I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
