So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He shit in the fireplace
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
