im drinking this country out of the recession.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
