mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
