Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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